First and Last; a Lifetime

The little shoes you used to wear as a child sit, dusty, by the front door, in preparation to be thrown out or given to charity. You don’t know how to feel, it’s not like you’ll miss the shoes. Not that you even really remember wearing them. It’s just sort of funny to think that your painted toes once fit into the small rubber soles easily. The girl who seems so young now, so inexperienced, was once smaller, and even more oblivious.

And for some reason you don’t have any shoes from when you were four, or six, or eight. Just from when you were barely recognizable as a human, thanks to your pudgy red face and wrinkly skin.

The construct of time is one that’s hard to wrap your head around. In two years time you might be off to a college or university somewhere, pursuing law or medicine. Maybe you’ll be taking a gap year to soak the past few years up and prepare yourself for what’s to come. Maybe you’ll be off pursuing some more creative career. Maybe things won’t turn out so optimistically.

In the meantime you’ll keep having firsts. First dates, first listens, first tries, first hellos, first kisses. First times.

In the meantime, you might have lasts as well. Last dates, last listens, last tries, last hellos, last kisses. Last times.

Either way, time will continue its forward progression, and even the most nostalgic photos and journals won’t be able to take you right back to those brilliant firsts. Especially not when you’re struggling to get through a last goodbye, or a last attempt.

Next thing you know, the shoes are gone, left behind nothing but their small outline in the dust on your floor. You wonder if your life will go by like that; in the blink of an eye and with your memory barely holding onto the good firsts and the sad lasts.

You guess it doesn’t matter. You guess that that’s life.

You just hope your last goodbyes wont be anytime soon.


{It seems the swift travelling of time has swept me off my feet again this summer! This was inspired by some firsts that have been happening recently, and the notion that with these new and brilliant firsts will come so, so many heartbreaking lasts. It feels good to know that at least I’ll have something material to think about, but the thought of ‘growing up’ sounds especially daunting, even though I know that that’s what these firsts (and eventual lasts) will mean. I’ve also been surrounded with a larger number of babies and their impossibly small shoes, which made me think about how strange it is that we’re all stuck in this insane atmosphere and are learning and growing so much. That concept is crazy and insanely cool. Anyways, as always, thanks for reading and hopefully everyone is enjoying their journey of firsts (and not dwelling too too much on the lasts.)}


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