Trust Falls, Falling Numbers

Late at night, as time slowly ticks away on the digital clock that rules my mind, I can’t help but to think of the progression of green numbers over time. 12:57. 1:03. 1:48. 2:15. 3:01. Without a second thought, I’m back in third grade. I’m on the field with my best friend, her long curly hair billowing in the strong wind. We giggle, our laughs fading as the joke mists away from our brains into the air. I tell her to turn around, and she does. I tell her to lean back, to fall into my arms. I tell her that she can trust me, that I’ll catch her.
She does.
But I don’t.
The next thing I know, she’s on the ground. Her blue sweater covered in mud. I’m laughing, and I think she is too, until I hear the muffled sob escape her throat, and then my heart plummets in my chest and I start sobbing, too.

And then it’s fifth grade all over again. Same field. My best friend is gone, replaced by another. Turns out my joke was not as funny as I’d hoped, and trust tests really do mean everything.
I had new friends now, though, and there were things more important than trust tests. There were monsters, monsters in our school, and I, along with the help of a few others, were determined to catch them and save the school. We were going to be heroes.
But what’s a superhero story, without a little romance?
I grab my new best friend, pulling her to the side of our hero-squad. Her blond locks curling just slightly at her shoulders, and green eyes attentive. I announce that I have something to tell her. Something important.
I liked someone.
And, as it turns out, karma does exist. Just as I had stood there and physically dropped my friend on the ground in the school yard, so did this one. Within a few moments, time again taking advantage of it’s godly powers, I was overcome.
She told everyone. Including the person, himself.
And just as my friend had sobbed, sat there on the ground, betrayed, so did I.

Suddenly I’m in middle school. Stories, people and places from the past occasionally flick across my vision and spray my heart with cold, and they strike me down. But that wouldn’t be the last trust fall I’d go through.
Another boy. This one, greasy ginger hair and freckles that frowned at you whenever you got close.
As he pestered my friends and we spent our time giving his stupid freckles stupid names, he crossed the border. It was just an insult, nothing more, but it was the last straw. He had finally dropped the friend in the mud, and had left her to cry.
The only difference, this friend fought back.
Notes. Poorly written notes shoved in lockers as the bell rang and students fled home for the night. Stupid, stupid freckles. Cold heart again.

Finally. The green numbers continued to flick past, quickly, until I was graduated and at the after party. Stupid freckles was there, along with other people from the cold field when we’d play at being heroes and perform trust tests. Music bombarded our tiny ears, and perfume wafted through the old building. My hair was in long, curled tendrils down my back, and for once I felt okay in a dress.
Until it happened. A friend, just a friend, asks to do a trust fall with me. Of course, from my past experiences, I didn’t want to end up in the mud. Not in my dress. Alas, the trust test is unstoppable, and ultimately will follow us all to our bitter ends.
More cold hearts, and two friends left in the soggy mud.
And then I’m back, in the dead of night, with nothing but a cold, shivering heart. Unable to see the joke that I had once laughed at while my friend cried. And the green numbers, always the green numbers. They never stop, and my heart won’t warm.

12:57. 1:03. 1:48. 2:15. 3:01

{There’s too little time in life to waste regretting everything you’ve done. Don’t worry, tell your funny stories with pride, and don’t let regret rule your life; there’s not nearly enough time to keep living in the past. What’s done is done, and whether or not your heart is cold at the people you’ve hurt, been hurt because of, embarrassed or been embarrassed by, there can’t be enough time to dwell on everything you’ve already done. The numbers on our clocks won’t stop to wait for us!}


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