When this year first started, you could have asked me what I was most excited for, and I would have responded with something along the lines of “To take it easy. To overcome my anxiety because there will be nothing to stress about and because I’ve learned to handle it.”
Alas, I wish that were the case.
Even though this year has been great so far, I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that anxiety isn’t something you can outrun. When you’re hopeful and happy and confident, and especially when you’re finally enjoying yourself, it will spring out from under its invisibility cloak (Harry Potter reference anyone?) and try to eat you whole.
Recently I tried to improve it. But it got me.
Recently my piano teacher tried recording me. It got me again.
I had to do a presentation for a class. It got me.
Every time I take the bus, it threatens me.
And sometimes I wonder when my heart will finally burst from beating so hard and so constantly. That doesn’t seem to help.
The next best thing I can do is to try to live beside it. I’ve signed up for a swim team, and finding common ground between what it wants and what I want is, although difficult, doable. I’ve decided to join, but not compete (yet) as it doesn’t want to. It’s difficult, and though I’m struggling to even calm it enough that it lets me go, I’m excited for this sport and for what the future holds.